"It’s easy to get mired in our suffering, to feel we’re overwhelmed by forces in our bodies that bring us to our knees. I’ve been there for years, and things came to such a head that I simply couldn’t see any opening in that profound negativity no matter how hard I tried. Because Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue can bleed your soul. But as I begin to recover a sense of wellness, as my hope is rewarded month by month, I begin to reach for the positive in what has happened and is happening to me. “Find the good in this,” I urge myself.
Is there good in suffering? Not directly. It’s a bad physical and mental place no matter how you slice it. But when we dedicate ourselves to our own rescue, I think we can indeed start to identify profoundly positive things.
For me, for many of the patients I speak with, walking this particular bed of coals can become a transforming experience. We can heal our bodies and along the way gain a new perspective on our lives.
What things have I identified as positives in having FM and CFS?
I’ve learned not to take anything for granted. Not my health, not my creativity, not my memory, not the support of those who love me. And I’ve learned I am absolutely not willing to let go of those things. To be able to value the essentials you never used to question? I think that’s a gateway to awareness.
Small things aren’t small anymore. I’m paying attention as I’ve never paid attention before. To the strong colours that bloom in the evening sun. To the fingers my body wags at me. To the amazing feeling of a morning that isn’t filled with crippling anxiety. In ways, it’s like not living blind. To be able to truly see? Isn’t that the foundation of defining meaning and truly participating in your life?
I used to live a crazy life. I did too much, let too much get to me, and when I was overwhelmed, I imagined stripping everything from my life, just throwing it all away, so all that was left was an empty white room I could refill with only those things that mattered. But it’s hard to remove the excess consciously. FM and CFS do that for you. As you grow to feel worse, you give up more and more, and then even more, just so you can keep up with the bare essentials. As you grow to feel better, you gradually add back those things that matter most. Knowing what matters most? Isn’t that one of the joys of life?
When I discovered I had FM and CFS, I became aware of just how hard I’d been trying to deny what was happening and to keep hold of my life. With a diagnosis in hand, I thought I was pretty stupid to have lived in denial that long, but we all need to honor the kind of strength that keeps us going. Now that I’m in treatment and tasting wellness, I’m aware of how I have committed to every supplement I swallow, to accepting and working through the plateaus that can disappoint, to pushing like a marathon runner to the finish line. We all need to honor that kind of courage. To know you have the strength and courage not to give up? Priceless.
The quality of empathy is more like a theory - and a little harder to extend to others - unless you’ve been through the wringer yourself. My heart is opening in ways I hadn’t expected; every day I’m increasingly aware how something is shaping my compassion. Knowing you can live caring and open? Our world is constructed of relationships, and the more of ourselves we can bring to them, the more we are fulfilled.
One woman I spoke with told me, “Just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she became a butterfly. And to me, that is exactly what has happened in my life over the last five months. It’s changed my life for the better. Something so devastating took everything away from me. I had never imagined how that could parlay into something that refined me by fire. And it really did. It made me a better person.”
Treatment is about healing my body. It has also become about healing the soul FM and CFS bled from me. Along the way, I’ve found I’m not just reclaiming my life, I’m growing into a whole new life. Because recovering from anything takes effort, these are the things we need to hold close.
In all things - even this - there is good."
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